At this point in time, the things I do may make it look like I'm a total slut, or someone just desperate. But the truth is, I had enough of chances slipping by because I was too afraid to commit, too afraid to love because of what people may think of me.
At the end of the day, I may lose everything, and people may make judgments but at least I know I've tried. And I suppose I might get lonely if things don't work out well... but I'm sure those that matter will stick by me.
I'm really placing a huge bet on you and I hope that this time, this time things will really work out between us.
steal my soul; 7:19 PM
I'm tired of all this abuse. I've never thought of our relationship this way until now. Because I feel guilty, because I feel like I'll always be insufficient, I let you blame me for things - for why we didn't work out, for why even though we are both trying again, we are still failing, for why you haven't quit smoking, for why you feel stressed.
Normally, I would take all the blame, let people say what they want, because after a while, people forget. But this time, it's really too much. I'm sick of all this blame. I'm sick of all this abuse. A relationship should never be like this... and I said I would never let myself go through such things. I don't know why I'm allowing you to do this to me this time. But it has got to stop.
And now's about time.
steal my soul; 11:28 PM
It's true, that at this rate, I'll never be truly happy in a relationship. Honestly, it's not that I don't love you. I do; it's just that it's not enough for you. And I don't blame you because if I can't bear to love you more than I love myself, because if I can't endure being the one who loves more, then my love will always be insufficient. And any more, would just feel forced on my part.
I wanted things to work so badly then, and now I wonder why I just gave everything up at that moment. I felt relieved at first, because I can finally love just me, myself and I. Then I realised that I still wasn't happy. In fact, the only thing that I achieved was running away from the trauma I was fighting so hard to get rid of. Once again, I was back to square one. Sometimes I wonder what to do with myself.
steal my soul; 3:18 AM
Time and time again, I choose the easiest way out. I choose to stop loving, I choose to rely on no one but myself, I choose the path where I need not trust anyone with my heart. After all this time, I'm still running away from love.
I tell myself it is so that I can be "independent" and "strong", but deep down inside, I know it's only because I'm a coward, and all these things I do is just because I'm selfish, and because I love myself too much - so much so that I'd rather be unloved than take the risk.
steal my soul; 4:41 AM
I'm losing my mind. I don't even know what I want anymore.
steal my soul; 4:34 PM
It has been a while. But suddenly, I feel this urge to write, to say to anyone, or maybe even no one at all, about how I feel deep inside.
I feel like shit, like there's something choking me, like there's this dark void in my stomach, like my tears are trying to force their way out while I work to keep them in, like my heart is beating faster than I can handle.
I like him, I really do, and it has been a long while since I felt this way. I've kept myself away from relationships for so long and formed this wall around me because I didn't want to get hurt.
And now, despite liking you, I hate how vulnerable it leaves me. I hate how I'm giving you a chance to possibly hurt me. I hate how I'm depending on you; someone other than myself.
I'm afraid to trust. I'm afraid to love. And as much as I want to get over this psychological barrier, it's killing me. Yet, it kills me too when I let this barrier strip my right to happiness.
Either way, I'm dying inside while I fight myself.
steal my soul; 10:12 PM
i wish i knew what to do with myself.
because everyday, i'm hoping i will find the answers. and slowly, i'm getting tired of finding, of waiting.
i know life is never going to be perfect,
and no one said it was going to be easy.
but i never knew it was going to be
this difficult.
steal my soul; 9:29 PM
